So this is what it feels like

Sometimes you have to take a leap of faith. Jump outside your comfort zone. And change your life.
That’s what I did this past year. As someone who finds it hard to leave her room and her house most days I packed up and moved to Virginia to go to school.
Different country, opposite side of the continent, where I literally knew no one.
Holy Shiz batman.
I guess that’s why this video hit me so hard. Because on a smaller scale I relate to this.
(Gist of the video. Girl who suffers from anxiety disorder and depression sings on Americas Got Talent and KILLS IT)
I fight every day to get up, to be social, to choke down my fears and be brave. Every decision I am choking down a panic attack, and that’s not even the big stuff, that’s whether I can spend $5 to buy lipstick at the drug store. The big decisions leave me paralyzed for weeks.

america’s got talent- Halleluia

So to see her bravery and her success, it made me bawl my eyes out, but it also gave me courage.
I applaud for putting herself in such a nerve-wracking situation.
And I applaud her for enduring the panic attacks it surely must have taken to get her to that point.
Watching this my anxiety got so bad, feeling her fear.
But I am proud of who I am.
Of those out there raising awareness.
And of those brave enough to face the world and say this is who I am.
Right here, this is who I am.
This is my small step of bravery.
Hallelujah.

Outside the realm of comfort

So yesterday I told people about my blog. And almost had a panic attack doing so. I have a hard time opening up to people, which those who are closest to me find ironic. I talk all the time. I’m always telling stories about my life. And people think they know me. But thinking of all the people who I talk to, there is no one who truly knows me. And that is ok, because I don’t even know myself. I feel like my life is a puzzle, and I give people I trust different pieces of the puzzle with each story I tell. Which really is the way I like it, I crave to be understood, but I don’t think as long as I’m here on earth I can be understood. Because my life here on earth is just a chunk of my life, so how can I truly be understood if all I remember is 19 years of eternity? Regardless, I share pieces of myself with everyone, in the hopes that people will be able to piece together who I am, and hopefully let me know what they find, because I don’t know. But this blog, the struggles I’ve talked about and will talk about, those are the puzzles pieces I keep right next to my heart. These ones I don’t just hand out to everyone. Part of it is a fear of being judged, of being misunderstood, and part of it is that there is a difference between stories about my childhood and pieces of my soul and identity. However, I need to be brave. I’m not courageous, I fight an internal battle everyday to face the world. And this right here, this blog, is my fight to be courageous. So world, here is my soul, laid bare for you to examine and judge. All I ask is you be kind, and I will keep writing, whether you like it or not. 😘

Past the Easy Parts

Now some of you readers may be in for a shock, so be prepared for this next line.
You ready?
Ok. Here it is. Life isn’t easy.
Yep I said it.
And painting isn’t easy either.
I walk into the studio and gather my palette, brushes and paint. I put my work in progress on my easel, and I sigh….
Because the work in progress stage sucks.
Starting a painting is invigorating, you don’t think, you just paint what you feel. And when you are done, you’re done. But then you come back to it and recognize the flaws, the spots you forgot. And you realize that what you see could use improvement so you resolutely start touching it up.
And then you get bored… So booooooorrrrreeeeeddddd. But you aren’t a quitter, and you know you won’t be happy if you walk away from this halfway done painting so you keep going.
You forget about perspective because you just want to be done. But then you realize without that perspective the painting won’t end up how you want it to. (Feel free to interpret perspective in life terms, whether as your goals, religion, family whatever.)
You rushed ahead with the focal point and forgot about the background and the details so you’ve got to go back and add that in.
(Again interpret that in a life way. Details are important. Being too focused on the main thing while skipping the little things doesn’t work out well.) And you realized their wouldn’t be a freaking tunnel in the middle of the woods so you’ve got to add a mountain in there to fix it. ( I don’t have an interpretation for this but if you found a moral in there good for you.)
And you drag yourself back to the studio each day.
Slowly your painting looks worse and worse.
Until the day comes….
When it’s completed and beautiful and way beyond your original vision for it.
The pride you feel.
That you continued on, past the point you wanted so badly to give up.
Now my life isn’t over, not for a long time hopefully, cause I’ve got lots to do. But I feel like painting is like life.
Coming to earth I can just picture myself so freaking excited.
Then I came here, and it’s hard…. There’s pieces that are great and beautiful but really I’m just one ongoing work in progress. It’s exhausting at times.
But someday all those screw ups will work together to become a masterpiece.
So until that day comes I’ll just keep painting.
Painting by faith.

To Paint with Faith

Hello world!

This is my blog; of irrationality and friendships, of struggles and successes and most importantly of art and faith.

I need a place to express myself, to vent and release the pent-up emotions inside my soul. I’m not all that great with speaking, but writing, I can do that. However, my favorite way to communicate is through my art. When I haven’t painted in a while I can feel it in my arms, in my hands, this built-up emotion that I need to release. I hate conflict, I’m not good with confrontation, and I feel most of my life is spent restraining myself so I better fit in with the world around me. But when I leave the world behind and I go paint or draw, that is when I find peace. I am able to release all that so I can return to a good place.

Another benefit I find from this is that I have anxiety and attention-deficit disorder, which I live with and draw strength from. I don’t suffer from it, it isn’t weakness, it is just another aspect of who I am. And I am proud of who I am. However, I won’t lie and say that my life is easy because of this. Quite the opposite actually. But when I draw, I just draw. It is not for anyone else but me. That relieves the anxiety and stress. And when I paint, there is not set order to how to do it, there is no rule saying when a painting is done, or that you have to finish one painting before you start another.

Art doesn’t judge. Art doesn’t discriminate. Art embraces uniqueness and allows me to be at peace. Which I will admit, is something I don’t feel very often.

Now, I am sure you have read the title of this blog and wondered, when is she getting to the faith aspect? We have already covered it, but I will rephrase it. When I paint I am at peace. I feel a connection that can only be described as spiritual, when all the trivial and superficial disappears and it is just the paint, canvas and I. It is at those moments when I feel closer to heaven then any other time, when I can think and listen, and truly communicate with my Heavenly Father. And it is in those moments that I know he loves me. That the trials I am going through, and the struggles I face are all just a paint stroke in the canvas that is my life. They shape the painting, enhance it, but they aren’t the painting. A brush stroke is simply a stroke, and a trial is simply a single stroke, a single moment of life. Realizing this I am able to paint those trials into my paintings, and leave them there to dry as I walk away, pounds lighter from relieving those burdens.

I paint by faith. I live by faith. And I don’t know what will happen tomorrow, or the day after that, or where I will be 1,5,10 years from now. But I do know that through faith I can face the future, and I find that faith in my art. So I will keep painting for today, and we will see where that takes me.